I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
