You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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