I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
