Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
