I just pynch a tree in the face
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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