we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
