I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
