Best friends brother. Beat that.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
