your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
