So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
