I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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