i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
