i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
