Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
