I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
