Tell her she can't have a vagina
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
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