i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize