Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
