i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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