1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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