I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
