Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
