you told grandpa to call you daddy
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
