I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
God, I missed his penis.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
