Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
