....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
