I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
