I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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