Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
