I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
