did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
