I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
