We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
it's like iHOP with fire
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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