The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
