I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
