I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
