I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
