i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
