I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
