smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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