i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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