Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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