Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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