I think my fart just growled at me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
