im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
