peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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