my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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