Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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