I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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