spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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