Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
