I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
