i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
