i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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