did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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