I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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