So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
