i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dick very happy bro
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
