just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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